%$^^$#$**! Smart Phone!

I have a real problem with technology, well most days. Specifically today. It started with my garbage disposal not working. Okay, that’s not really a technological advancement, I mean unless you live in Brittan where they might in the year 2015 actually have garbage disposals? Maybe? Maybe they will have screens on their windows and coffee other than instant by then too? So my garbage disposal doesn’t REALLY count as technology failing me, right? My other grip about technology would be the volume stopped working days ago on my computer for seemingly no reason. I can live without sound on my computer though. My real problem? Is I went out and got myself a smartphone.
To be perfectly honest, I’m not really sure why I wanted to buy a smartphone anyway. Though there was a part of me that wanted to fit in with the crowd, there was another part of me that preferred a standard telephone. We use them in the office all the time, and we hardly face any problems with them. Ever since we looked into buying the best answering service, our lives have been made that much easier. And if I kept this in mind when looking into buying a new smartphone, I don’t think I would’ve run into any of the problems I ended up having.
You see, it all started when I finally realized that my cell phone was really old and possessed. Two things I never wanted in a cell phone anyways, so on my birthday I realized my birthday present to myself would be my first real Smart Phone. The reason that this all came about was that on my birthday my old phone started forwarding all my incoming texts to every Verizon customer in my address book. Because Verizon’s motto?
Is “We share personal data!” No really, when I called to complain about this violation of my privacy, no one at Verizon gave a damn. My phone security is incredibly important and this was an awful thing to go through. There are some pretty interesting cell phone statistics about security that show what people can do if you are not secure and I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to get a cellphone breach.
They did offer me a free upgrade to a Smart Phone though, and a $100 rebate gift card. Then they told me I was in eligible for said gift card, maybe because I was very complainy? About the whole invasion of my privacy thing?
Which brings me to tonight’s problem. My new Smart Phone will not allow me to text cuss. I’m trying to explain a certain ahole in my life in a text to a friend. First Smart Phone changed the wording to agile, than it changed it to awhole. Neither of these fine words really gets across the point I am trying to make. (Which has to do with a certain AHole I’m related to not wanting to help his sister carry heavy furniture, then almost passing out after five minutes of lifting said furniture) Mean while I didn’t break a sweat, P90X!
Anyone who knows me, knows I am a girl who enjoys using certain words in her life, and having a PG-13 phone is not at all helpful when I am trying to get my point across. Can you really blame me? I mean, every day five hundred bikers drive by my casa VERY LOUDLY, sorry to get all shouty in blog speak BUT I USUALLY HAVE TO YELL TO BE HEARD! Of course I’m usually just talking to my cats. So besides flipping off five hundred bikers from my porch, I also have to follow people driving fifteen miles an hour down winding mountain roads while smelling their brakes burning. Ah burning breaks, the smells of summer time. And you wonder why I need to use certain chose words on occasion?
Dear Verizon,
Please give this Smart Phone to the nearest twelve year old yuppie you can find in the Yorba Linda- Brea area, and give me a damn phone that has grown up hillbilly words in it like Moonshine, AHole ,Banjo and key slogans like you drive like a little puta.
PS, please do not forward this text to everyone I know