My Keto Hearts of Palm Fried Rice: Low Carb, High Flavor, Zero Regrets

It’s raining cats and dogs and squirrels here in Big Bear Lake—and I’m loving every glorious, soggy minute of it. What I’m not loving is the fact that I’m now over 48 hours into my colonoscopy fast, and my will to live is being held together by sheer spite and the promise of eventually shoving a protein burger at my face on Monday afternoon.

My first colonoscopy. Yay! Nothing screams “Welcome to your 40s” like voluntarily starving while preparing to have a camera shoved somewhere you once vowed nothing larger than a Q-tip would go. Getting old is such a bitch.

About twelve hours into this hunger marathon, I was ready to commit a nonviolent felony—nothing dramatic, just the kind of trouble the Biden Family could roll their eyes at—in exchange for a single spoonful of my Hearts of Palm Fried Rice. Yes, that recipe. The keto, gluten-free, guilt-free miracle that tastes like real fried rice without sending your insulin into early retirement.

Because if anything can carry me through this colonoscopy prep misery, it’s the fantasy of my post-procedure reunion with that bowl of low-carb joy.

Normally, a day of torrential rain means oversized sweaters, snuggling with my Norwegian Forest Cats, a good book, and a festive Eggnog Latte in front of the fireplace.

But not today. Not when I’m two days out from my colonoscopy. There are no lattes in my future, just water, clear broth, and whatever willpower I haven’t already used up trying not to open the fridge and stare at my homemade Blue Cheese Dressing sadly.

Honestly? The timing is a blessing. If this were a typical busy work weekend, I’d be out there Jeep guiding tourists. Instead, I’m here at home, fasting, vibing with the rain, and preparing mentally for when I have to drink a gallon of Big Bear Valley Hospital’s finest Lemon-Pledge-flavored Liquid Plumber for Bowels. Because apparently that’s the only way to ensure my insides sparkle for their close-up.

Small-Town Life: Convenient for When You’re Starving and Cranky

Say what you want about small-town mountain life, but at least everything is close.
My vet? Five minutes.
My mechanic? Six.
The hospital where they’ll soon be spelunking up my formerly fat ass with a camera? A breezy twelve-minute drive.

If nothing else, fasting has reduced my road rage by 30%—mostly because I no longer have the energy to honk.

Big Bear Lake’s Premier Jeep Guide… Who Currently Just Wants Hearts of Palm Rice

When I’m not fasting, I’m Big Bear Lake’s self-appointed Jeep Queen, Outdoor Trekking Diva, and Snack Sherpa, shuttling tourists up rugged fire roads to Bluff Lake Reserve.

Bluff Lake is one of the most scenic spots in the valley—towering Jeffrey pines, lush green manzanita, purple wildflowers, and fresh mountain air. But it’s not exactly Tesla-accessible. It’s a four-mile off-road adventure, which is probably why I love it. My Jeep likes to feel superior.

Bluff Lake reopened only recently after the Line Fire scorched the wilderness 14 months ago. I’ve been blissfully ferrying clients up there again, soaking in the Lodgepole pines and pretending my job is glamorous rather than 60% dust, 30% tourists, and 10% trying not to run over chipmunks.

But yesterday’s new ranger nearly made me swallow my own tongue. He warned my clients that the forestry planned to close the roads tomorrow because of the incoming snowstorm.

That is 100% fake news. This fake news affects my business also because if the road is going to be closed, obviously, I can’t take my clients up to Bluff Lake. I really don’t like untrue mountain gossip. Especially when I know it’s fiction.

Forest roads don’t close around here unless we’re getting at least 16 inches of snow—real snow, not the “maybe two inches if the storm remembers to show up” situation we’re currently facing. This storm is coming in so warm and tropical, we’re more likely to get a pineapple rum breeze than snowfall.

But I’m still hopeful. Once the snow arrives, I get to start hosting Big Bear’s Only Snow Play Experience and nothing says winter like watching adults fling themselves down hills and then blame gravity.

Local Knowledge > Fake News

That’s the thing about being Big Bear Lake’s best hiking and Jeep guide—I actually know this mountain. I’m not going to spew fake news about road closures or avalanche zones that don’t exist. When you book a tour with me, you get the truth, history, sass, and if you’re lucky, a close encounter with our local wild burros.

If only this knowledge helped me survive this 48-hour fast. But alas, not even mountain mastery can stop me from dreaming about Hearts of Palm Fried Rice.

Which brings me back to Hearts of Palm Rice—my one true love.

Why Hearts of Palm Rice Deserves a Spot in Your Life

Sure, you may have seen starving reality TV contestants on Naked and Afraid gnawing on hearts of palm in the jungle, looking like they’re being punished for crimes against humanity. And you may have wondered: Why in the hell would anyone choose to eat that fibrous stuff willingly?

Well, flash forward to 2025, where crazy health trends become normal, kale is somehow still a thing, and Hearts of Palm Rice has gone mainstream.

Why? Because it’s legitimately good for you:

• Keto-friendly: almost no carbs
• Gluten-free: perfect for sensitive stomachs
• Low calorie: like, shockingly low
• High fiber: keeps things… moving
• Full of vitamins and minerals
• Great texture when sautéed properly

Plus—you can now buy Hearts of Palm Rice at Trader Joe’s, which means you no longer need to sell a kidney at a health food store to enjoy it!

And once I’m allowed to rejoin society and eat solid foods again, you bet your Hungry Ass the first thing I’m making is a giant bowl of my Keto Hearts of Palm Fried Rice. Because after 48 hours of misery, I deserve it.

If you are going to create the best keto-style Fried Rice, you sure better throw in extra porky protein!

Keto Hearts of Palm Fried Rice

2 bags of hearts of palm rice

8 slices of bacon, cooked, crumbled and the fat reserved

3 Chinese dried red chilies

1 teaspoon grated fresh garlic

1 teaspoon grated fresh ginger

1 package Chinese sausages, cooked and sliced, fat reserved

2 shallots, sliced thin

shitake mushrooms, sliced thin

1 cup of frozen peas, defrosted

1 can of bamboo shoots

3 teaspoons of soy sauce

1 teaspoon of sesame oil

6 eggs

1/2 teaspoon of white pepper powder

Reserve 1 teaspoon of the fat. In the bacon and sausage fat, add in the sesame oil, mix in the red chilis until cooked and almost burned and set them aside. Add the shallots to the fat. Cook the shallots for about five minutes. Mix in the garlic and the ginger until cooked. Mix in the mushrooms, the Chinese sausage and the bamboo shoots. Stir in the hearts of palm rice and continue to stir-fry.

While this is cooking, scramble your eggs in the 1 teaspoon left leftover fat with the pepper powder. Now add the peas and the chilis back into your Hearts of Palm Rice. Mix in the soy sauce into the rice. When you are ready to serve, add the crumbled bacon to the top as a garnish, as well as he scrambled eggs.