The Backyard Blow-Up Pool: A Spa Day for Hermits Who Hate People

It’s summertime. Officially. Maybe you are celebrating the dog days of summer by sweating alongside 2,000 other protesters at your local Great MAGA Monarchy Panic Protest-homemade signs, reusable water bottles, the smell of Wake and Bake Hippies stoned and full of righteous fury at ten a.m..  Or maybe you are not a dumb-dumb liberal and realize that DJT is not actually a king, just a billionaire trying to successfully do the hardest job in the world for the American people while being heckled by people who think Twitter threads count as foreign policy. DJT as King? WTF? Last I checked, America traded crowns for coffee and chaos in 1776. If it’s summer and you need some zen in your life, far away from those liberal hecklers on Protest Corner, you need backyard blow up pool ideas.

Long live the drama protest

One way or another, after a butt-busting trek to the top of Snow Summit Ski Resort on a summer morning that got way too hot, I need to dunk my fat ass in a pool of water asap. I’ll keep tabs on what is going on in the world from the safety of my backyard blow up pool, Fox News and FanDuel on the outdoor TVs and a cold Corona Light in my filthy gardener’s paw. This is why I can never have nice things, like girl hands. The organic tomato-loving gardener in me just will not allow it. What I do have is tons of oh so very helpful backyard blow up pool ideas for you and your family to have a fun summer at home, away from the drama.

We live in the magical summertime pine forest of Big Bear Lake, California. Many days the pup and I go to the dock and just swim off of our boat. But since Big Bear Lake is a high-elevation alpine lake, it tends to get very windy at the dock. I’m just not a fan of swimming when the lake is very choppy. And that is how, last year, I found myself researching the best backyard blow up pool ideas I could find on Amazon. I wanted a pool that would, I hope, last a few summers. So it needed to have great reviews and be durable enough not to pop the first time I hopped in with a margarita in one hand and my hiker’s hooves barefoot free to the mountain air.

God bless America, A backyard that is zen-worthy

One thing about life here in Big Bear Lake, California, we have a very impressive backyard that we have spent a lot of time, effort and money to turn into our backyard sanctuary. Welcome to Gambler’s Paradise. Where the degenerate gamblers yell at the ponies on Saturday afternoons. As much as I love relaxing on the boat in the sunshine, there is no margarita bar on the boat. And there is no chance to cuddle my majestic Norwegian Forest Cat in between races at Santa Anita Park, the Great Race Place. Our backyard sanctuary is just such a magical summertime destination; it’s very tempting to hurry home after a hot and sweaty summertime hike. As much as the pup and I love to swim in the crystal clear, cold waters of Big Bear Lake, the relaxing encampment of the backyard is always calling out my name.

Maybe you decided to celebrate Donald Trump’s birthday by betting all your hard-earned cash on Border Patrol, what we degenerate gamblers would call a Swami play. (A bet based on a hunch and not on actual information and not always a great way to win a lot of money!) Or maybe you sat on a street corner with a hundred other stinky, stoned and confused hippies chanting about DJT being the next Hitler. Seriously, Indigo, you need to put down the pipe at 10 a.m., get a real job and move out of your Mommy’s basement.

Game of Groans: Liberal Edition

Where were all the counter protesters and all those Trump supporters, you may ask? Um, I think we were all at work. Somebody’s got to make the big bucks (And then pay so much in taxes so my sister in law can sit on her ass and collect welfare)

I personally respect our police officers and our military. I truly believe our military deserves a parade in their honor to celebrate risking their lives for our freedoms. I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s the 250th anniversary of our armed forces here in the United States. If Orange Julius Caesar had not been in office, any other president would have called for a parade to honor our military service. So what if it’s also The Donald’s birthday? What is he supposed to do, just sit in the Oval Office shoveling McDonald’s McDiabetes Burgers at his face all day and tweeting for Elon to be his friend again?

If you like to enjoy your summertime by relaxing in the backyard being a hermit like me, and judging your Tesla-driving neighbors, you just need good weather, a good book and snuggly pets. Why on earth would anyone want to go to a public pool full of chlorine and childrens piss, I have no idea.

It’s summertime, and you have two choices:

1. Bake like crispy bacon at your local protest-turned-Burning-Man-reunion screaming about royalty that doesn’t exist…

OR

2. Crack open a hard seltzer, plop your fat ass in a $39.99 inflatable pool, and reclaim your suburban serenity like the fierce water nymph you are.

Guess what I chose? Hint, it wasn’t a contact high from some unemployed artist named Meadow on the burning hot asphalt of Big Bear Lake in June.. Finding zen in your own backyard starts with not being too hot when the weather is gorgeous but it’s going to be in the 90s all week. In July and August, outdoor fun starts here with this backyard blow up pool ideas smorgasbord.

Zen is a Blow-Up Pool and a Backyard Full of Nope

Let me tell you what doesn’t scream self-care:
• A chlorinated kiddie soup filled with random Band-Aids and feral toddlers and pee.
• A boat dock soundtracked by marital doom and Man Child blaring from an iPhone speaker.
• That one “Kings Day Protest” down the street where everyone’s sunburnt, sweaty, and screaming about monarchy like we haven’t been an independent republic since powdered wigs were a thing

Instead of being around other sweaty summertime revelers in public, I got myself a glorious, round, budget-friendly blow-up pool, and honey—it’s giving backyard pet mom goddess vibes, not “sweaty peasant at Versailles cosplay.” But that could be the Bud Light cowboy hat.

How to Keep Your Pool Clean Without Summoning a Hazmat Team

I know what you’re thinking:
“But don’t inflatable pools get gross?”
Oh yes, darling. By Day 3, that water can look like that cabbage soup cleanse trend your parents were obsessed with back in 1995. Thank God for how to clean that inflatable pool naturally.  With a little effort, you can keep that backyard lagoon crystal clear and smelling like nothing, which is exactly how water should smell. First off, you need to find a good pool vacuum. Now you are ready to how to clean an inflatable pool naturally

Best Budget Pool Vacuum:

Intex Rechargeable Handheld Pool Vacuum

• If you are looking for how to clean an inflatable pool naturally, you need this guy. It works for small blow-up and above-ground pools. When it comes right down to backyard blow up pool ideas, you need this accessory in your life.
• It is under $100
• It is lightweight enough to pretend you’re cleaning but really you are just gently dragging it around with a glass of chilled Pinot Grigio in your hand.

Natural Pool Cleaners, JFK Jr. approved:

Baking soda – When it comes to how to clean an inflatable pool naturally this balances pH and scrubs slime. Not just for cookies and your fridge anymore.

White vinegar – helps break down gunk around the liner

Hydrogen peroxide (3%) – natural disinfectant; add in small doses

Lemon juice – smells like summer, breaks down mildew, and makes you feel like Martha Stewart in a bikini.

👉 Pro tip: Don’t drain the pool every 2 days like you’re running a waterpark. Clean it, cover it, and reuse it—because time is money, and I may be that conservative neighbor in the Bud Light cowboy hat however, I do love this planet and I’m against wasting water.

❌ Chlorine: For Pool Water, Not People

Sure, chlorine keeps stuff clean. It also turns your skin into a dry, flaky tortilla chip and your swimsuit into a faded regret. It messes with your skin’s microbiome, dries out your hair, and can cause irritation like that one neighbor who won’t stop talking about how much better life would be if 90-year-old Joe Biden were president.

Natural pool maintenance = less chemical soakage = less time Googling “Why does my skin look like RFK JR?”

Cover That Pool Like It’s Witness Protection

Get a good tarp. Not the see-through plastic wrap of sadness. When it comes to backyard blow up pool ideas, this is an absolute must. A real tarp. Thick. Durable. Basically a pool security blanket.

• Windy? COVER IT.
• Pollen attack? COVER IT.
• Not using it? COVER. IT.

Don’t let your peaceful oasis turn into a backyard swamp.

🐾 Footnotes for the Foot-Challenged and Dog Moms

If you’re sharing your pool with:

A dog who thinks the pool is their new personal bark tub

Or feet that have seen 60 miles of trails this last week and 0 miles of pedicure,

… Then girl, you need a hard-sided pool. Trust me. Blow-ups and claws (or unfiled hooves) don’t mix. One wrong step and poof! There goes your afternoon escape and your dignity.

How to Get More Life Out of Your Inflatable Pool

Don’t drag it across rocks like a medieval sledge. Baby your new backyard pool. You want to keep it around longer than Kamala Harris’s political career.

Keep it clean with natural ingredients (see above)

Cover it religiously.

Deflate and store during the wintertime.

Place it on a level, soft surface — not the patch of driveway where you park your emotional baggage or your motorhome. Maintaining a backyard pool and replacing it every single season is totally doable with just a few summer safe tips.

Now go forth and sip amargaita polside with these backyard blow up pool ideas!