Let’s face it, we live in an ever more catastrophic world. Sometimes I feel like we are living through a dystopian novel every day. Seriously, even Stephen King himself couldn’t write this shit. So, how do you prepare for the inevitable with humor and a touch of existential dread? With a bit of planning, you, your family, your pets and your world can be prepared without having a mental breakdown. (Yet) How to survive a disaster is easier than you may think with some prep work.

So, what do you do if that wildfire is truly burning the overgrown brush behind your house and it’s go time? Are your bags packed? Do you know where the pink slips to your cars are? When was the last time you saw your Social Security cards? How to survive a disaster starts the day you start hardcore planning. Or burying cash in your backyard.

Surviving the Apocalypse (or at Least a Power Outage) with Style

Listen, I don’t want to alarm you, but statistically speaking, doom is coming. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon. How to survive a disaster starts now! You don’t want to be that person fighting over the last can of pumpkin puree at Trader Joe’s because that’s all that’s left. So let’s talk catastrophic event preparedness, but with flair—because if I’m going down, I’m going down well-fed and in my favorite recycled clothing athleisure. If I am gong to be running for my life with my meanagrei of pets in tow, you are damn right, I will be comfortable in my most breathable thrifted yoga pants.

Disaster Roulette: What’s Coming for Us Now?

It turns out that Mother Nature is a little mad at us, and she’s not shy about expressing it. Wildfires, hurricanes, earthquakes, surprise blizzards—it’s all happening more often and with more intensity than ever before. Just check out these cheery stats:

• Hurricanes: The number of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes has nearly doubled since the 1980s. Thanks, climate change!
• Wildfires: The area burned by wildfires in the U.S. has tripled in the last 30 years. (In related news, I now reflexively scream whenever I smell a campfire.)
• Flooding: The frequency of major floods has increased tenfold in the past 50 years. TENFOLD. That’s too many folds. There have been days when our rural mountain range receives 7-9 inches of rain in one day and I find myself asking, should we build an ark for the Norwegian Forest Cats, adventure dog and neighborhood donkeys?
• Winter Storms: Places that shouldn’t even have winter are now experiencing record-breaking snowfall. Texas, I’m looking at you.

Since we don’t know which disaster will hit us first, let’s prepare for them all.

Prepping Your Pets: Because Fluffy Deserves a Survival Plan Too

I know you’d rather starve yourself than see Sir Barks-a-Lot go hungry, so let’s talk pet preparedness. Because when the world is falling apart, the last thing you need is to be guilt-tripped by a fat cat who knows you forgot the Fancy Feast.

• Pack a Pet Go-Bag: At a minimum, you need food, water, a leash, a crate, and any meds they need. Oh, and don’t forget poop bags or a litter box, because nothing says “stress” like your cat peeing in your Jeep. Yes, I know people who let their cats go free-range on road trips in the SUV. I think this is just the dumbest idea unless you want your luxury vehicle to forever smell like a cat box.
• ID & Microchip: If you get separated, and it happens to pets in times of great stress, you’ll want Fluffy returned to you. Don’t delay, make sure your pets are microchipped today!
• Comfort Items: A favorite toy or blanket can help with stress. Though let’s be honest, if your pet is a drama queen, nothing will make this situation better except returning to their heated bed and organic duck-flavored treats.

The Emergency Pantry: Eating Well While the World Ends

You may think “apocalypse food” means living off expired SpaghettiOs and questionable canned Spam. Oh wait, that was just my childhood. I’m looking at you, twenty years’ worth of Slimfast meals. The foodie in me is still not over that. I may have PTSD from a childhood filled with spam and that was before how to survive a disaster! I’m not my father. I don’t live on Diet Pepsi and fat-free discount ice cream from the 99 Cent Store. Let’s keep it delicious and nutritious (because nothing says “survivor” like glowing skin and optimal gut health). PS, I can’t wait to be catastrophe skinny.

• Canned Beans & Lentils: High in protein, fiber, and smug satisfaction that you’re eating clean even in a crisis. I hope your bomb shelter has a fart room.
• Nut Butters: Peanut, almond, cashew—whatever your heart desires. Because we may be facing disaster, but we’re not animals.
• Shelf-Stable Almond Milk: Because the way things are going all the chickens and cows and any other animal you could possibly milk, will probably be extinct in the next 10 years.
• Canned Tuna & Salmon: Omega-3s for brain power—because you’ll need to strategize when your MAGA hat-wearing neighbor tries to barter for your last granola bar.
• Dried Fruit & Nuts: The closest thing to nature’s candy that won’t make your blood sugar crash.
• Dark Chocolate: It’s packed with antioxidants and sanity-saving properties.
• Electrolyte Powder: Because hydration is key, and you don’t want to be found passed out from dehydration when the power comes back on.

Stock Up on Non-Essentials (aka, Stuff You Want to Live With for the Next 50 Years)

Look, I’m not going to tell you to only buy canned beans and bottled water. You need to be practical, but you also need to think about your emotional well-being when the apocalypse hits and you’re sitting in your fallout shelter, eating freeze-dried macaroni and cheese for the next five years. How to survive a disaster starts in your kitchen.

What’s the first thing you’re going to need? Wine. Yes, if we’re talking about surviving, I’ll take a bottle (or ten) of my favorite Pinot. No judgment here. Then, maybe toss in some chocolate. Because, let’s be real: when the world is ending, I’m not really interested in some long-lasting, nutrient-dense, dehydrated protein bars. I want something that gives me an emotional boost. If that’s a rich, dark chocolate truffle, so be it.

Also, toilet paper. But not just any toilet paper. It’s gotta be the good stuff. The Charmin. Otherwise, what are we even doing here?

You can’t survive the apocalypse without a little vibe, right? Picture it: it’s day 4 of your new life as a hermit, you’ve already binge-watched every show on Netflix, and now you’re starting to feel some deep existential angst. So, what do you do? You pump up your survival spirit with a killer playlist!

Create a mix of songs that will help you feel empowered. Start with some Eye of the Tiger (obviously), throw in a little Stayin’ Alive (because why not), and add a few “I’m getting through this” bangers like Beyoncé’s Run the World. Don’t forget to slip in the Game of Thrones theme song because when you’re fighting for your life, you deserve to feel like a queen.

And maybe it’s just that we binge-watched all eight seasons of Dexter, but did Zelensky just show up at the White House dressed like Dexter? Is this really the end of days?

Learn Basic Survival Skills (Or, Just Buy a Book and Hop

e for the Best)

Yes, I know. You’re really good at Googling things. But when it comes down to how to survive a disaster, you’ll need more than a Wi-Fi connection to survive the end of days. That’s where the art of survival skills comes in! You can either learn to make fire with twigs, or you can do what I would do, which is buy a survivalist guide and keep it under my pillow for “emergencies” (aka, any time my Wi-Fi goes out for more than five minutes).

The point is, it’s good to know how to start a fire (without burning down your shelter) and how to tie knots (because why knot). Also, it wouldn’t hurt to learn how to properly handle a crossbow. You know, for when the zombie horde inevitably shows up and you’ve got to look cool while taking them down.

So, what other skills should you have if and when a natural disaster strikes? How to survive a disaster starts in the kitchen. Grow your own veggies at home and learn how to can them yourself.  How to survive a disaster starts with being sustainable in the kitchen as well. Learn how to make your own sourdough bread. It may not help you survive the zombie apocalypse, but at least you will have crusty home-baked bread.

How to survive a disaster: Home sweet home

So, let’s say the inevitable happens, and you’ve got your stockpile of wine, chocolate, and enough toilet paper to survive a century. Now you need somewhere to survive. Ideally, this is a chic, remote cabin with a fireplace, beautiful views, and enough room to stretch out during your long, lonely days of solitude.

In reality, it’s probably going to be your basement. But don’t worry, you can make it work. Just clear out the junk from 2007 (because that sweater from the “rockabilly” phase is not going to save you), and you’re halfway there. Maybe throw in a few candles, some comfortable chairs, and a motivational poster to keep your morale up. You’ve got this!

Or, if that fails, just scream. It’s therapeutic.

When it comes down to how to survive a disaster, you’ll need to channel your inner optimist (or at least fake it). If all else fails, just remember that even in the darkest of times, there are things to be thankful for, like not having to go to work, or the fact that you can eat as much chocolate as you want without anyone judging you. Because when society collapses, calorie counting is officially irrelevant.

Choose your own natural diaster

• Pandemic: This one’s a bit more relatable, but do you have enough hand sanitizer and face masks? Spoiler: You can never have too much.
• Power Grid Failure: No Netflix, no Instagram, no lights. How will we survive? By going full off-the-grid chic, that’s how.
• Floods, wildfires and tornadoes, oh my: These seem to be happening worldwide more frequently. Have a backup plan. Be prepared. It’s not if, it’s when.

Water: You can’t live without it. Stock up on at least a gallon per person per day for 3-5 days. If you’re feeling fancy, get some filtered water bottles, too. Hydration is the key to surviving, not to mention keeping your skin glowing. No matter how much wine you stocked up in advance, you really don’t want to run out of water. And remember water for your pets as well! A 45-pound dog drinks between 26 and 42 ounces of water in a day. Cats drink 3.5 to 4.5 ounces of water in a day. Seriously, this is a big deal. Do you want to be drinking your own urine one week into the Zombie apocalypse?

• First Aid Kit: The basics—band-aids, antiseptic wipes, painkillers. You’ll want to make sure you can treat those random injuries that inevitably happen when you’re trying to chop firewood with a knife you found in the garage.
• Flashlights, headlamp & Batteries: When the lights go out, your best friend will be your trusty flashlight. Stock up on batteries like you’ve never seen an LED before. Bonus points if your flashlights are the kind that double as a weapon.
• Weapons: You can’t just expect to get by with canned goods and kindness. Whether it’s a crossbow, an axe, or just a really big stick, you’ll need something to defend yourself from zombies, rogue animals, or the guy who’s been hoarding all the toilet paper.
• Hygiene Essentials: If you think that an apocalypse means you can let your personal hygiene slide, think again. You’ll still need soap, toothpaste, and deodorant (especially when the apocalypse leaves no time for showering). Don’t forget extra toilet paper, unless you plan on improvising with old socks.
• Basic First Aid: If you’re not an expert on how to clean a wound or perform CPR, now’s the time to enroll in a class. I mean, what are you going to do if you cut your hand while gathering firewood? Pass out and hope someone else is trained?

How to survive a disaster like an absolute pro

• Take a deep breath. No one wants to think about the worst-case scenario, but being aware of what might go wrong will help you prepare more effectively. Plus, you’ll be able to tell your neighbors you were totally ahead of the curve when they show up asking to borrow your generator.
• The key to surviving a catastrophic event is preparation, humor, and snacks. Stock up, make a plan, and remember: even if the world is ending, you can still be fabulous. Now, go forth and prepare!
• Have defensive space. Where I live in the San Bernardino Mountains, you must clear your pine needles and yard trash and make a defensive space or the state will do it for you and charge you. I saw news coverage after the Eaton Canyon Wildfire of multiple people complaining that their yards were dead. The county won’t allow them to water because of the one-hundred-year mega drought. So their homes went up like tinder. When it comes to a natural disaster like a wildfire, yes, there are ways you can be prepared!

So let’s go over the big things: Did you do the prep work? Are you prepared for a natural disaster? Did you buy a generator? Do you know the evacuation routes in your area? Have you created an evacuation checklist for your family? Do you know the code to your safe and where all those important documents are kept?

It may seem like perhaps over planning, yet in this crazy day and age we’re living in, we just never know what’s going to happen in the future. Don’t you want to be ready?