Yesterday, somewhere between a completely reasonable ten-mile mountain bike ride and creating a gourmet Pop Up picnic lunch for fifteen guests deep in the San Bernardino National Forest, I decided to take my “waterproof” phone on what I can only describe as a pickle juice s
wim. Because nothing says springtime vibes like a thousand-dollar device floating in sugary, neon-green brine.
Now, this is a Google 9 XL—XL, which I can only assume stands for “X-tremely Likely to Fail Under Pickle-Based Pressure.” It’s allegedly water-resistant, but apparently that does not include being aggressively baptized in sugar and vinegar. Good to know.
So here’s my advice to you, as you embark on making this Jalapeño Spiced BBQ Candied Bacon Bison Beast Burger—aka the high-protein burger recipe that will ruin all other burgers for you:
Do not hold the pickle jar sideways.
Because here in 2026, we’re already dealing with $9 diesel, $25 burgers that somehow still disappoint, and technology that taps out the second it encounters a little enthusiasm. All that sugary, sticky pickle juice will splash right out of the jar and instantly transform your phone into a tiny, overpriced coaster—still perfectly capable of delivering Twitter chaos, but suddenly unable to function as an actual phone.
Which, oddly enough, creates a level of peace I didn’t know I needed.
No more answering six back-to-back 
calls from that neighbor. No more detailed updates from my trucker father about diesel prices in Amarillo or a full recap of everything he’s eaten in the last 36 hours. Just silence. Glorious, uninterrupted silence.
Honestly… I’m not saying I recommend destroying your phone—but I’m also not not saying it’s improved my quality of life. Moral of the story: When creating this Bison high-protein burger, don’t skimp on the spicy pickles. Just… respect the splash zone.
Mountain Girl Math: $25 = I’ll Make It Better Myself
I swear we are living in a timeline where I routinely hand over $25 for a “high-protein burger” at a five-star barbecue joint… only to sit there thinking, I could absolutely make a better high-protein burger recipe in my home cabin kitchen. And come on. I suddenly need to pay to get my phone fixed. I can’t afford a $25 burger today.
And not just better—spicier, juicier, and made with superior meat instead of whatever bland, overpriced beef patty just offended my wallet.
Every single time, I’m side-eyeing the plate, reaching for my AmEx, and wondering why more “premium burger spots” aren’t using better protein sources like bison. If I’m paying luxury prices, I expect a burger that didn’t emotionally give up halfway through seasoning.
If You’re Still Using a Bun, We Need to Talk
But before you dramatically declare, “Forget this, my homemade burgers are better,” let me ask you something important: Do you actually know how to build a proper high-protein burger recipe?
Because wrapping a protein-style burger without it collapsing into a lettuce-based tragedy is not as easy as the internet would like you to believe. Yes, I too watched approximately 47 YouTube videos, thinking I’d emerge as some protein burger architect. I did not. There were structural failures.
Out here in Big Bear Lake, where I spend my days hiking, trail guiding, and generally being Big Bear’s most glamorous dirt walker, by noon, I am desperate for protein. And yes—sometimes I cave. Sometimes I roll through the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru, sunglasses on so no one I know recognises me, like a defeated, dirty hiker lady and order that spicy El Diablo situation.
But here’s the problem: I’m a foodie. I have standards. I refuse to believe my only options are:
- Overpriced disappointment from every new restaurant I get the balls to try
- Or hiding in a drive-thru like it’s witness protection, while my neighbors think I’ve given up on life and am ordering a Famous Star.
So naturally, I set out to create the ultimate high-protein burger recipe at home—something bold, spicy, and unapologetically me, AKA spicy. Because in my world: Protein + crunch + heat + a ridiculous amount of flavor = a burger worth talking about.
The No-Bun BBQ Bison Beast Burger
A High-Protein Burger Recipe Where Carbs Are Optional, Flavor Is Not
So I did what any reasonable person would do—I spiraled into Instagram food influencer research and developed very strong opinions.
For example: No, I am not making an In-N-Out Burger protein-style burger. I live in California, yes. But not all of us Californians vote for Gavin Newsom and drive our Teslas through the In-N-Out drive-thru. Just because we live in the 909 doesn’t mean we’re required to treat In-N-Out like it’s a celebrity-endorsed religion.
If you’re heading down the mountain, from our rural home in Big Bear Lake, to the concrete jungle of Los Angeles and want a burger that actually earns its calories, do yourself a favor and skip the drive-thru line. Go straight to Hook Burger in Pasadena—because that is what a proper high-protein burger should taste like.
And if you’ve read this far, you’ve probably realized something important: I’m not just making a burger. I’m making a high-protein burger recipe with standards, attitude, and just a touch of chaos.
Jalapeno Spiced BBQ Candied Bacon Bison Beast Burger — Because Beef Is Too Basic
First things first—yes, you need ground bison for this burger. Bison. It’s what’s for dinner. (And frankly, what should’ve been for lunch, too.)
Now, where do you find this magical protein? You hope and pray your local Costco has it in stock this week, like you’re refreshing your screen for Coachella tickets or desperately trying to book tha
t magical Silver Lake campsite in the eastern Sierras before the bots swoop in and ruin your summer plans six months in advance.
If Costco fails you—as it occasionally does post-pandemic—you can head to a high-quality butcher… where they will happily sell it to you for about $20 a pound. I know. Deep breaths. We’re all processing that together.
This is why, when Costco does have ground bison (usually around $11 a pound), you grab it like it’s the last flat of eggs in 2020 and stock up immediately. The good news? It freezes beautifully, so your future burger-loving self will thank you.
Now, yes, technically, you can use ground beef. I’ve even made these with Wagyu from Grocery Outlet during a “Costco let me down again” moment. But let’s not kid ourselves—bison is what takes this burger from good to “Why would I ever order this at a restaurant again?”
Velveeta Lava Bison Bombshell
1 pound of ground bison
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
3 teaspoons yellow mustard
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1/2 teaspoon of pepper
2 teaspoons of Worchestershire sauce
6 Velvetta cheese slices, cut into quarters
This makes three burger appties. Into your ground bison, mix the garlic salt, yellow mustard, salt, pepper and Worchestershire. Form your Bison Bombshells into burger patties. Press 2 Velveeta quarter slices into each patty. Press them into the meat so the meat completely surrounds them. I like to cook my burger patties in my air fryer at 400 for 23 minutes, but feel free to barbecue them if you prefer.
Let’s Make Some Questionable, yet Spicy Decisions
1/2 of a white onion, sliced
1/2 cup sharp cheddar cheese, grated
2 teaspoons of bacon fat
1/2 a teaspoon of salt
1/2 a teaspoon of pepper
6 slices of bacon
2 teaspoons of barbecue sauce
In a saucepan, heat your bacon fat. Set your onion slices in the bacon fat. Sprinkle with the salt and pepper. Flip thm once. Then sprinkle them with your grated cheddar cheese. Let them sit with the heat on for three more minutes. Then cover with a lid and set them aside to stay warm and for the cheese to melt while your burgers cook and you work on the bacon. Cook your bacon slices in a cast-iron skillet. Glaze them with the barbecue sauce at the end.
This Is Why Your Burger Tastes Better Sauce
1/2 cup of Best Foods mayonnaise
2 teaspoons of ketchup
1 teaspoon of spicy honey
3 teaspoons of pickle relish
For the Hot Honey Heatwave Aioli, mix the mayonnaise, ketchup, spicy honey and the relish. Set that aside until you are ready to dress your protein burgers.
Lots of iceberg lettuce, the bigger the pieces, the better
Spicy pickled pickles, such as Famous Dave’s brand
Candied jalapenos
When you are ready to assemble your protein burger, follow these tried and true instructions.
How to make a protein burger 101
- Use extra lettuce. Wrap up and under the entire burger patty with the lettuce pieces. Don’t be afraid to use a ton of lettuce, especially if you love your burger sauces the way that I do!
- Parchment paper. Make sure after you wrap your whole burger up well, wrap it in parchment paper. Then cut the whole thing in half with a sharp knife. Now you can hold that dripping burger wrapped in parchment paper and hopefully, it won’t fall apart on you!
- The type of lettuce is key. Green-leaf, red-leaf lettuce, butter lettuce or iceberg are the types you want to throw in your shopping cart.
After you’ve made your own protein burgers at home a few times, you’ll suddenly beco
me very confident in your ability to wrap a lettuce burger like a pro. It’s not rocket science—it’s just you, some iceberg, and a little bit of “hold it together, don’t fall apart on me” prayers as your stomach grumbles in the background.
Will you still go out and order a $25 protein burger? Oh, absolutely. We’re not savages. (Although I may look like one with burger sauce all over my face)
Still, every single time you’re elbows-deep in that overpriced lettuce-wrapped situation in public, trying not to wear half of it down your shirt, you’ll have a moment of clarity:
👉 “I could be doing this in my own cabin kitchen… in peace… without some influencer filming my messy burger meltdown for content.”
And honestly? That alone might be worth staying home.
