Candied Bacon Jalapeno Poppers

I thought this would be a great April Fool’s Day post after my healthcare provider told me I could not have Covid because I’m three times vaccinated. Sound like an April Fool’s joke, right? Nope, this really happened to me last winter.

I really don’t care what your political leanings are or what you believe this whole pandemic is all about, when I go in for a healthcare check-up, I expect the medical professional to be, well a professional and not a conspiracy theorist who is going to give me a lecture. This is why I have to eat candied bacon. Because sometimes I’m just surrounded by dumb-dumbs.

Like last week when I made a medical appointment for my jacked-up shoulder. My shoulder has been hurting since January when I fell on a Snow Pig which is a totally long story I don’t want to get into.  Working seven days a week all January and February I had no time to drive forty-five minutes from my home to the village of Running Springs to see a doctor, nurse practitioner or whatever kind of medical kook I ended up being seen by in April.

I should have known this appointment was going to go sideways when the nurse practitioner who came in after a forty-minute wait to see me didn’t even look at my shoulder. She asked me every other health question under the sun. Like seriously everything. And of course, I had to mention just how many health issues I have been having since getting vaccinated. At the end of the appointment, I said something random about how I had just spent the entire month prior coughing none stop so hard that I kept pissing myself after having Covid and she looked at me like I was one hundred percent nuts and said “There is no way you could have had Covid. You are three times vaxxed” I mean I had taken a home test and I told her that and she was insistent that it was a false positive and there is just no way I could have had Covid after being vaccinated. What I really should have told her is that at the very same time VP Kamlala Haris also had Covid and she is three times vaxxed and boosted. But I didn’t think of that, I was just so shocked to hear such idiocy from someone in the medical field. This right here, is why I have to drown my frustrations in candied bacon.

I would love to say that was the whole story of her being inept but then she never put in my referral for physical therapy. Why the fuck does she think I even drove all the way to see her in the first place? Then when I called the medical office in the village of Running Springs I was totally given the run around about why exactly my PT referral never went through. Seriously it took me two additional weeks to get the whole situation straightened out! That is two whole weeks of unneeded shoulder pain that caused me to drown my sorrows in candied bacon. Thank God for candied bacon, it’s the only thing that is helping me survive this global pandemic.

Somedays dumb-dumbs just piss me off and I need some candied bacon damn it. Like this morning when my day was already stressful and going sideways from the moment I awoke so I thought I would take my pup for a quick trek up a steep mountain trail. Now, this was on one of the least popular trails in all of Big Bear Lake. And the Beavertail Cactus flowers over yonder are a rainbow of just yellow, pink and gorgeous right now. So of course trekking back to my SUV two angry pitbulls came out of nowhere and attacked my pup. Somedays I just think, fuck keto, I need some candied bacon. And most days I think, you know I could really go for a jalapeno popper right now. Especially when my pup was just almost ravaged by malicious off-leash doggos. I mean as I also mentioned my shoulder is a jacked-up mess, I didn’t want to have to use my hiking poles to have to fight off Cujo One and Two this a.m. while their owner screamed at me for smacking her rabid dogs and my pup hid behind me for safety. This right here is life in a rural ski town during a global pandemic. All these yahoos from the city show up with their off-leash unsocialized pitbulls and let them run crazy through the rattlesnake-studded woods. And then I have to go to my happy place and shove candied bacon at my face until I can calm down and face the world again.

My pup and I have been through some shit during this pandemic. She has been attacked by German shepherds, two miniature huskies and now two unsocialized pitbulls. I have inhaled so much candied bacon that I can’t even remember what it was like to have abs once upon a time before Covid-19 LBS.

So many people have come out of this global pandemic different than three years ago, some of us for the better. And some of us like my adventure pup have anxiety and paranoia. Thank God for candied bacon and jalapeno poppers. This global pandemic has seen me definitely learn to be a much more unique and skilled Indian chef and I have mastered the ultimate in Jalapeno popper cuisine. Even when we are on the keto kraze I am such a big fan of jalapeno poppers. Sometimes I even make my world-famous Jalapeno Popper Stuffed Chicken. It’s keto! It’s spicy! It’s so damn easy at the end of a long hard day.

Who doesn’t love some jalapeno poppers? I mean besides big crybabies who don’t like heat. If you can’t stand the heat, get off my mountain, and take your asshole pitbulls with you! Sometimes after a long day of defending my dog’s honor on and off trail, I even make Donald Trump Jalapeno Poppers. I do try to save those spicy beauties for election nights, maybe in 2024? Keto jalapeno poppers are one of my all-time favorite keto appetizers. These avocado-stuffed jalapeno poppers are just ridiculously delicious and a great way to use up those ripe avocados.

Candied Bacon Jalapeno Poppers

12 jalapenos, cored, membranes and seeds removed

1/2 cup cream cheese

1/2cup sharp cheddar, grated

1/2 teaspoon paprika

12 slices of bacon

Candied Bacon Glaze

3 teaspoons good quality honey

3 teaspoons brown sugar

1 teaspoon soy sauce

1/2 teaspoon ginger paste

1/2 teaspoon garlic paste

Firstly, preheat your broiler to high and cook the jalapeno pieces for 5 minutes until browned. Set aside for five minutes until cool enough to handle. Use this time to preheat your barbeque. Mix all the ingredients for the candied bacon glaze and set aside. Mix the cream cheese, cheddar and paprika.

Stuff the jalapeno halves with the cream cheese mixture. Wrap each half in bacon. Glaze with the Candied Bacon Glaze. Using a pastry brush, rub the Candied Bacon Glaze over the jalapenos. Grill the jalapenos for 5-10 minutes until the bacon is crispy.