A Urination Situation

Most people have parents who would be proud of them if they were a doctor or a lawyer or got a A+ on a test. In my family, things are a little different. My Dad is proud that none of his kids are in jail or on drugs. He has said this to us many times over the years and bragged about it to people we know.
Our family is a little different than what you would expect in preppy country club Southern California. We fart we burp and we talk about bodily functions a lot. We have a lot of cats, we love to eat and we live high above the San Bernardino Valley in a little mountain town. My Dad is a long haul truck driver, and well, he acts like a long haul truck driver. He could of very well worked at a great truck shipping company moving trucks around for all I know. I used to worry about him when he was out on the open road because truck driving used to be a dangerous job but now, thanks to changes like semi trailer automation that does some of the hard work for him, I can sleep at night. He has a big beard, listens to country music, has lots of guns and is a very aggressive driver. I drive just like him, in fact people tell me I’m like my Dad constantly.
When I was a kid and my Dad came back from a week on the road, the kids chore was to clean all his crap out of his messy truck from the week on the road. We kids knew, don’t EVER touch the bottles of juice, sun tea or Snapple. More often or not, yup, it would be pee. Pretty gross, right? Yeah, truck drivers don’t have that extra time to stop at a A.M. P.M. every time they need to go.
I grew up around this; I’m used to it.
Tonight I called my Dad from my Subaru’s blue tooth to tell him he would be so proud of me.
I peed in a Starbucks cup while driving.
It is ski season, two days before New Year’s and on a Saturday evening as well. That means every one in all of Los Angeles ha driven to the snowy Southern California Mountains to play in the snow and generally get in my way.
My usual twenty five minute commute home tonight took me two hours.
I had to pee about half an hour into that drive. At that point it was snowing, it was very pretty and the snow wasn’t sticking to the road much. At that point I had only been stuck in seldom moving, stop and go traffic for about twenty minutes. It really wasn’t that bad yet.
It was after four in the early winter evening by this time and the sun was beginning to set behind the snowy pines. It was very pretty and peaceful, well besides the five hundred people between my front tires and my home and my increasingly full bladder.
As my head lights shined brightly on the hundreds of cars ahead of me and I listened to Christmas music with the heater on my bladder hurt. I was in a bad situation. At this point there was no where to pull over on the shoulder and even if there had been, no one would have let me back into line.
I was sweating at this point, almost to the point of tears, it was almost six o’clock and I knew what I had to do.
I had to pull a Dad.
Yes, I peed in a Starbucks cup while driving.
I was in a desperate urination situation.
It was very foggy, I figured no would see what I was doing and believe me, there were absolutely no CHP or local sheriffs to be seen any where. I had just driven past a Honda Civic, abandoned in the middle of the highway! I had to inch around a blind corner to get around it! Where were all the cops? Pedestrians were peeing and parking all over the place! The police were nowhere to be found and it was very foggy and dark at this point. I was not too concerned about indecent exposure laws; okay at that point, I did not really care! Even if a cop magically appeared beside me, saw what I was up to, and arrested me; which would then lead me to shamefully face my Dad who would have to approach a Santa Ana Bail Bonds agency or somewhere to post my bail and get me out…far fetched, I know, but honestly, none of it mattered. I had to pee and that’s all my mind was thinking about.
After I rebuttoned my pants, wiped my hands on my dirty work clothes and sprayed perfume all over my car I decided to call my Dad on my blue tooth.
“Dad! You’re going to be so proud of me! I just peed in a Starbucks cup while driving!”
I said while glaring at the giant cup of pee that had bothered me so minutes before. When he asked why I hadn’t thrown it away, I explained there had been, um, complications. Peeing in a cup while driving snowy mountain roads is harder than expected and I had used every tissue I could find in my vehicle to pad my car seat “Just in case” Now all that mess was also in the Starbucks cup, so I couldn’t exactly throw the urine out the window.
My Dad than guffawed and said
“You know your Mom peed in a Big Gulp (Truckers 64 ounce cup) and she didn’t make a mess!”
I think he was still proud of me, I’m just like Dad.
It was after six P.M. at this point, completely dark and I was nearing the snow chain check point where CHP checks to make sure your vehicle is 4WD or has on proper chains.
I looked at my cup of urine and remembered the episode of Weeds where Nancy goes to Mexico and gets stuck in the Immigration traffic forever and has to pee in a Starbucks cup.
When she gets to the front of the line, the Border Patrol officer asks her,
“Ma’am is that a beer? Have you been drinking?
And she says
“No sir, that is my urine”
That so reminds me of my night spent being indecent, stuck in horrible ski traffic.