Sometimes nothing can seem easy in this motorhome lifestyle. Why is the toilet leaking? Why is that tire hissing? Why won’t the puppy poop? Why can’t I buy tequila in any state northwest of California? You may not be able to purchase a mango margarita, how about a Mango Mocktail?
We left our mountain resort town on our two-month road trip with the highest hopes for smooth sailing on this cross-country holiday. This vacation had been in the works for over six months now. But could the motorhome lifestyle ever really be easy? Of course, we had to run into a detour on our mountain highway in the community we live in. This happened less than six miles from our front door. That ‘lil delay ended up setting us back three hours on the first few minutes of vacation day one. And then there was that pesky tire problem. And did I mention the puppy refused to poop? Between a farty puppy, motorhome delays, traffic on Interstate 15 and fifty-mile-a-hour wind gusts, it wasn’t the smoothest beginning to our trip.
After awakening at five because of vacation, yea, three hours later down the road. We were still in the same area code. I just wanted to get the hell out of California. And it was proving to not be as easy as it should have been. It’s been a crazy year of so much work and so much of seeing the very worst of southern California. I was just feeling desperation to get out of southern California for a while. If I pick up one more discarded blue dog poo bag on a hiking trail of our national forest, I just might scream. I have had it up to here with this toilet of a state we call California. I’m tired of the discarded dirty diapers and broken sleds in our national forest. I’m pissed starring at all the vulgar graffiti on our jagged granite boulders. I want to bitch smack the next person I see drop a Mcdonald’s bag out of the window of their Tesla onto one of many southern California interstates. This right here, is why I have to buy tequila in bulk at Costco. I’ve had it up to here with the uncivilized repugnant ways of southern Californians. This is not okay. We don’t live in an undeveloped country, why do we treat our wilderness areas like a toilet?
California should not look like a third-world country
As Americans, we can do better than this. Why Californians don’t care to keep this beautiful state clean, I just don’t understand. I just don’t seem to see eye to eye with other Californians. I want to go somewhere green with rolling hills and mountains. I want to hike through miles of lush grasslands and not wonder why I stepped in someone’s discarded dog poo. I want to travel somewhere classier than this shit-hole of a state that I, unfortunately, call home.
By the time we crossed the river at Mesquite Arizona, we were all tired of smelling puppy farts for twelve hours. But at least we were miles away from southern California and that concrete jungle, Las Vegas. So how on earth was there a thirty-minute traffic delay at nine p.m. at night in the middle of nowhere? At least we were miles past the sprawling suburbia of Las Vegas at last. I could finally relax as we motored along up the fifteen freeway towards Arizona. Or should we call it Ari-Slow-Na?
Yes, we had finally made it to the gorge in Arizona at sunset. Thank god for that Mountain Standard Time. As we finally, finally rolled past St George Utah, it was practically ten p.m. and still light outside. I could get used to this. Especially when we still had to find the campsite, set up camp and eat dinner! We had nothing to eat all day but RV road trip snacks, all kinds of nuts, pretzels and the good chips we take on vacation.
“Oota aita?” We were asking in Kanaada (Have you eaten?) as we had been ready for dinner, homemade leftover Muslim-Style Lamb Biryani, dal and cumin seed studded raita hours ago. And a round of Mango Mocktail drinks of course!
By ten p.m. in the evening as we were enjoying a rainbow of a Utah sunset in the rearview, we were all saying, are we in Utah yet? I could have used a mango margarita but a good margarita is a hard thing to find in the beehive state! The Utah government has a monopoly on liquor sales, which is totally legal under the 21st Amendment. It’s not quite probation, but a lot of conservative states make it damned hard to consume party-time margaritas like you are vacationing in Baja California. Here in 2023, there are actually 17 states that have very strict liquor laws! I didn’t know any of this when I packed our RV for our two months vacation. I obviously did not pack enough cocktail fixins. And it was very disappointing to find out we could not purchase the inexpensive yet high-quality vodka and tequila we can get easily at Costco in California. While traveling cross-country we soon discovered that alcohol taxes in Utah are marked up 88 percent believe it or not! That is one pricey margarita! Ready for a mango mocktail yet?
I haven’t had a Mango Mocktail since we trekked to India in 2017. I didn’t expect to be mock-tailing it on this road trip but we decided not to pack the hard alcohol to save weight for our motorhome to tow. When we planned a few days in Utah I knew for a fact that the Utah Costco did not sell booze. I had no idea that you can not buy hard liquor at states from Idaho to Montano to Wyoming. As I searched the isles of the Idaho Falls Costco for my favorite Costco Tequila for my famous Serrano Chile Skinny Margaritas, I thought wow this Costco sells a ridiculous amount of candy! It took me back to how Costco used to be in the 90s before southern California Costcos started selling keto specialties and gluten-free nut mixes. After I could not find my favorite Costco broccoli salad I made the realization that there is no booze aisle at Idaho Costco; Just rows on rows of diabetes-causing candy bars. How on earth would I be able to embrace my summertime margarita fetish for the next two weeks before we rolled into Fargo North Dakota? (The next Costco that carried hard liqueur)
As much as I love everything in Idaho, if you want to buy hard alcohol in Idaho, Montana, or Wyoming you have to drive to a state liqueur store and pay double the Costco prices. It’s pretty ridiculous. No wonder everyone in this state loves chocolate so much! As beautiful as Idaho, Wyoming and Montana are for all those hikes, man would I rather sip on a mango margarita at the end of the day? Relaxing by the campfire watching that sunset over the Tetons is just not the same with a Mango Mocktail in my hand but what are ya going to do?
2 honey mangos, peeled and frozen
juice of 1 lime
1/2 cup soda water
Fresh mint leaves
Tamarind spice seasoning
Combine the frozen mango pulp, lime and soda water in a blender. Coat your glass with the tamarind spice seasoning then coat in spicy salt. Pour your Mango Mocktail in the glass and garnish with fresh mint.