I fully expect to come back from a half-day hike with some body pain. But it’s not usually in my kidney area! I spent most of the day yesterday trekking up to Dry Lake with my favorite Liberal Ladies. We tried our best not to talk about politics, as no one wants their conservative hiking guide to leave them in the forest. (This was totally a joke that Donna made and it was very funny. I would never, ever leave a hiker behind. Before you hit the trails, make sure you pack your mosquito patches! I swear these things really work!
After trekking uphill at lightning speed to keep up with my tiny friends who are twenty-plus years older than I, sure, I expected my legs and calves to be sore today. What I didn’t expect was not being able to sleep all night, as my kidneys were sore and I couldn’t get into a comfortable sleep spot to save my life. However, it could have been the forty pounds of fluffy Norwegian Forest Cat love attached to my body. It’s summertime, cats, it’s hot when we are sleeping. Good Lord, why do you insist on still cuddling with me when I’m this sweaty?
By the time I pulled my exhausted body out of bed at six a.m., a very busy workday in my immediate future, it was clear to me that it was time for a big ‘ol summertime batch of Kidney Detox Tea.
So I should start this little yarn by saying I fucking hate dandelions. I have PTSD from my childhood, where one of the terrible chores was weeding the 4-acre backyard. It was all dandelions. Why did we not have a Weed Wacker like everyone else in the 90s? Well, we probably had 6 of them that did not work in my hoarder father’s garage!
I spent many, many summertime mornings out in the backyard with my pack of cats, pulling dandelions by the old lilac tree.
So the fact that my front yard is constantly full of dandelions brings me to a point of madness. This is why I decided to leave my neighborhood and go for a big-ass hike. Because every time I glance at my neighbors’ fully manicured front yard that is still full of dandelions even after they pay a fortune for the gardeners to come, I feel my happy gardeners’ zen leaving and replaced by angst.
My neighbor pays so much money to the top-rated garden company in our small town of Big Bear Lake and every Friday at happy hour, their lawn is still full of dandelion semen that then blows into my yard. Yes, every Friday, happy hour, my front yard gets artificially inseminated.
Screw You, Sally. I’m Making Tea from Your Dandelions
Why have I not mentioned anything to the people who bought that house across the street six months ago? Because they have been living there for six months now and I have never even seen the wife. I introduced myself to the husband the one time I saw him and he did not want to talk to me one bit. They are the unfriendly neighbors in an extremely friendly neighborhood.
We are lucky to live in one of the nicest neighborhoods in Big Bear Lake and here we look out for each other. When my elderly neighbor, who has Dementia, needed a wellness check the other morning, the whole neighborhood came together. Well, except for Chad and Karen, the new neighbors from the city. They never even inquired if he was okay after every paramedic in our small town showed up to help.
And this becomes non-detrimental to those recluse new neighbors when the power goes out for twenty-four straight hours and every other neighbor runs an extension cord to our whole house Generac generator. But the new guys across the street act like they live in the city still and don’t want to talk to us.
Yes, it’s like a block party on Fairway Blvd every summertime day with neighbors sharing wine on the front porch. This is how small-town neighborhoods are supposed to be, in my opinion. But whatever, let all your meat in your freezer go bad because you are to high and mighty to say hello to your neighbors.
Now, it may sound like I’m pretty bitter about just some old weeds blowing in the breeze. Maybe I just had one too many Dandelion Lattes. Look, I didn’t mean to become the kind of person who drinks tea made from weeds like some hippie—but yet here we are.
Dandelion tea is so amazing for your kidneys, liver, digestion, skin, attitude, and possibly your credit score. And while I’d love to just sip it in peace like a normal, well-adjusted mountain woman, I’ve got an ongoing turf war happening in my front garden thanks to my reclusive city neighbors and their unmowed dandelion breeding sanctuary.
Seriously. Their yard is so full of dandelion fluff that it looks like the aftermath of a botanical bachelor party. Meanwhile, my once weed-free garden is now ground zero for dandelion insemination. It’s not even subtle. The wind blows, and suddenly my green leaf lettuce is side-eyeing me like, “You gonna do something about this?”
And I would just deal with it like a mature adult, but pulling dandelions gives me PTSD flashbacks to childhood summers of forced labor in my parents’ giant yard. You know what sucks more than pulling dandelions for hours as a 12-year-old when you really just want to ride mountain bikes with the rest of the neighborhood kids? Nothing. Not even P.E.
But—here’s the kicker—turns out those bitter little bastards are packed with health benefits. So now, when I’m yanking dandelions out of my soil like a rage-filled gardener of vengeance, I feel slightly less homicidal knowing they’re headed for my kettle.
Liver detoxifier – Helps flush toxins because yes, your liver is still recovering from that wine tasting you called “self-care.”
Diuretic – Bye-bye, bloat. Hello, peeing every 15 minutes.
Full of antioxidants – Great for your skin and fighting inflammation.Rich in potassium, iron, calcium, and magnesium – Who knew weeds were so bougie?
May reduce water retention and help balance blood sugar – I’m not saying it’s magic, but your body will notice.
Mild laxative properties – Let’s just say… if your digestive system’s been lazy, it’s about to be on task.
Of course, if you don’t have a meadow of dandelions growing in your neighbor’s front yard, you can always purchase the Dandelion Tea through Amazon and skip a step.
Dandelion Detox Tea: Because My Garden’s Already Full of Their Filthy Weed-Semen Anyway
1 cup of 100 % Cranberry Juice
3 cups fresh dandelions or Dandelion Tea
3 cups of boiling water
Juice of 2 lemons
Ice, and lots of it
- Wash your dandelions in an awesome salad spinner before roasting them.
- Dry those dandelions out in your air fryer for ten minutes at 400.
- You can use the leaves, flowers or roots from the dandelion plant
- Pour boiling water over your dandelion parts and let them seep for ten minutes.
- Let the tea cool at least twenty minutes. Once it’s cool, mix in your lemon juice and your cranberry juice. Serve this over lots of ice.
