Mary Do you know, What the Hell to buy Dad for Christmas?

Christmas shopping for my dad is not as easy as clicking on Amazon and buying the best dad-friendly gift. Does Amazon have a vintage 1980’s addition of Bargain Hunter? Well actually Amazon may not but Ebay might. In honor of Black Friday lets take a minute out of our day to ask ourselves, what does dad want for Christmas? And how the hell can I find a rattlesnake belt on Amazon Prime? Saying that his wallet is looking a little worse for ware. I may have a look into one of those sites that Put any photo on wallets, I think he might appreciate that.

My dad is the ultimate bargain hunter as you can see from this photo from my childhood, Christmas 1983 in my grandmother’s Los Angeles area apartment. Don’t let the circa 1980’s apartment fool you. I was practically raised by wolves; Spending my childhood summers hunting and gathering, collecting acorns with the neighborhood kids and hiking three miles (at twelve years old) to the local creek to try and catch wild trout from the chilly waters. Both my parents worked full time in our remote mountain town in Southern California. My dad commuted two hours to Los Angeles for work and a good paycheck and my mom’s anthem was;

“Are the kids awake? Go outside kids” This regime of spending sunrise to sunset playing under the pines, not sitting on my ass watching tv, made me the trail runner, mountain biker and all around nature lover I am today. Yes, at almost forty years old I have spent the last twenty years of my life trying to “Get outside” as much as possible.

I may be a bargain hunter like Dad and I love to Christmas shop, picking out the best most appropriate gifts for friends and family. Obviously, the best place to find a perfect gift for dad would be roaming the aisles of my favorite thrift shop because I’m pretty sure all the crap we sold in that yard sale in 1988 is what my dad really wants for Christmas. Not a new Apple watch. Saying that though, if we were to get him some accessories for a fitness watch like a Fitbit or his Apple Watch that he has from sites like Mobile Mob, he may finally even use the one that a friend of his gifted him a while ago. Plus, there are dads out there who would appreciate a gift like this. I love to spend my days “Picking” at mega thrift stores that we have in Los Angeles County (Yes, just like dad, I commute two hours to Santa Anita Park in Los Angeles County for work from our rural mountain town.)

When it comes to Christmas shopping for dad I start early because unless I can find an eight-track player for his vast collection of 70’s music then I’m going to have a hell of a time finding dad a Christmas present once again this year in 2018. What does dad really want for Christmas? Well, he already has a homemade rattlesnake belt so I guess I will just have to keep shopping. (Does anyone else dad pick up dead rattlesnakes off the freeway to make accessories or just mine?) I’m thinking of making him a really nice design on of these custom needlepoint belts, if I make it nice enough, hopefully, he’ll treasure it and stop picking dead snakes off the roads!

So my dad is not your typical Father Knows Best kind of dad. He’s a Christian, Siamese cat loving trucker who has my same sense of humor. So obviously he loved this hat I got him for Father’s Day last year.

Tonight my brother texted me and said, “Maybe we should get dad a Life Alert for Christmas” I think he may have been joking but it’s hard to tell when he just found dad passed out on the woodpile in the backyard. Mentioning “Perhaps dad should go to the doctor” Is just ridiculous in our family. Maybe dad has high blood pressure? That sounds like fake news.

You know what dad would not use? Organic tea tree beard oil which according to Amazon Prime would be a great Christmas present for dad. You know what Amazon, you don’t have a clue what my dad wants on his Christmas list! I see no eight-track players, no eighties clothing and I sure as hell don’t see any rattlesnake Apple watches!