No, You May Not Pet the Dog: A Guide for Grown Adults Who Should Know Better

Today I’m hiking for myself. I’m not carrying anyone else’s discarded blue plastic poop bags out (Besides mine and my dogs). I’m not picking up anyone else’s trash. I’m certainly not breaking down anyone else’s fire pits. I spend ninety percent of my life entertaining other people and cleaning up the once pristine forest. As a Professional Dirt Walker, this Alpine Adventure Enabler simply needs a Monday off. Today is my day for me. My self-care does not involve picking up other adventurers’ shit. Also, I’m so not in the mood to school strangers on how to behave around dogs.

So yesterday, I totally mocked this lady driving in a Jeep by herself and wearing a facemask. I may have said, this is the kind of Jeep owner who never, ever drives her Jeep off-road. But then I thought about it and I realized, I am going tent camping for three nights with the smelliest dog ever. Maybe I need a gas mask for sleeping at night! You know what they say, People in glass houses have the smelliest dogs.

I was not always an expert on how to behave around dogs and I’m still not. But I have a friend who is! The doggo genius Noah. I have learned so much from all these years of friendship with Noah. Everyone should have a friend who knows what they are talking about when it comes to dog behavior and how to behave around dogs. I usually tell strangers, I’m perfectly friendly also, as long as you stay out of my space. I actually loved the pandemic; I wish people would stay six feet away from me at all times! My rescue dog feels the same.

Dog etiquette for adults

Come on, bro, you are a fifty-year-old man, surely you can adult around other people’s pets, right? Was I saying this recently on a hiking trail or to a family member? You decide. On our recent camping trip to the Eastern Sierra, this old dude literally told me, “Well, you shouldn’t take your dog out in public if you don’t want strangers to pet her!” Listen, bro, nothing is stopping you from going to your local pound and rescuing a pup in need. 3.2 million dogs enter U.S. shelters annually. Don’t blame me for you not having a dog!

He told me and yes, he was joking, but also lurching towards my pup with his arms outstretched, screaming, “I did this whole hike just to pet your dog.” Then get your own damn dog buddy, if you need to seek the love of a canine that badly!

I then had a group of teenage bro’s who literally swarmed my dog as they were passing us and they all tried to gang pet her (Is that PC? Can I say that?) And then one of them told me, “Thank you for your service,” I’m assuming because I was wearing my camo Saratoga Springs hat. Dude. Bro. I know you are literally still a man child, and it’s a lovely sentiment to hand out, but not every person wearing camo is in the Armed Forces.

Dogs don’t come with instructions

Let’s just get this out of the way: Not every dog wants to be your bestie, Sally. I don’t care how much your aunt’s Pomeranian loves you or that your spirit animal is apparently “Golden Retriever Energy.” If you treat every strange dog like it’s your long-lost therapy animal, don’t be shocked when you get a side of teeth with your unsolicited affection.

I truly understand not knowing how to behave around dogs as when I was young, I was a cat person. I didn’t understand dogs. I didn’t know some dogs don’t like to be pet. I was bitten twice in my early twenties by two different dogs, both named Lucy. Both of those dog bites could have been avoided if I had just not reached out to pet a strange dog I did not know.

Don’t Stare, Don’t Touch, Don’t Be Weird

This isn’t middle school gym class. Eye contact with a strange dog isn’t confidence—it’s a threat. Many rescue dogs (you know, the kind that were literally abused by garbage humans) see direct eye contact as a red flag, like a “Hey, this person might be the next person to toss me in a dumpster” kind of vibe.

Here’s what you do: Ignore the dog. I know, shocking. IGNORE IT. Let the dog make the first move, like it’s a Victorian-era dating ritual.

No touchy!

Think every dog wants to be your best friend? Think again. Learn how to act like a functioning adult around dogs you don’t know—before someone loses a finger. How to behave around dogs is more than just keeping your hands to yourself.

No, do not stick your hand out for the dog to sniff. I don’t know where this myth came from—probably some boomer-era PSA starring a golden retriever and a kid in jorts—but it’s wrong. Totally, dangerously wrong. To a traumatized or cautious dog, that’s like someone running up to you with a high-five and a tax audit at the same time. It’s not an invitation, it’s a threat.

I’ve explained this to my dad at least twenty times. And yet? Every visit: here comes the outstretched hand of doom like he’s auditioning to be bitten in the sequel to Marley & Me.

How to teach kids to be around dogs safely

When I was a kid, I may not have been a dog person but I grew up in a mountain neighborhood where all the dogs ran loose; it was a mountain thing. It just so happened that all these dogs were friendly. My uncle also bred massive-sized mastiffs. My first dog memory was wrestling with the huge puppies. I remember they were such gentle giants, I could put my own hand in their giant mouths. They would just play, not bite. But that is not every dog!

Children are adorable, sure. But when it comes to dogs they don’t know? They are chaos goblins with no survival instincts.

Here’s how you raise a not-bitten child:

Step One: Tell them to pretend the dog is invisible.

Step Two: Repeat Step One.

Step Three: Remind them that running toward a dog is not an Olympic sport, it’s an express train to the ER.

Step Four: Drill into their heads that just because a dog is cute doesn’t mean it wants their sticky fruit snack hands in its face.

You don’t want your kid to be “that kid” whose parents end up suing the rescue dog’s owner because little Brayden tried to hug a snarling pit-lab mix like it was a Build-a-Bear.

Adopt. Don’t shop.

Every year, millions of dogs are surrendered or euthanized in shelters, many just because they had one wrong reaction to a clueless human’s bad behavior. Dogs get labeled “aggressive” when really, they were scared, cornered, or defending themselves from Todd’s jazz hands.

If you’re desperate to pet something furry, here’s a wild idea: go to your local shelter, adopt a misunderstood pup, and put in the work to help them trust again. You can pet them all you want—In your own home.

You wouldn’t grope someone at the airport (I mean, I hope you wouldn’t), so don’t ambush a dog with unwanted touching either. Ask the owner. Read the dog’s body language. And if you don’t know how to do that? Google it before you end up Googling “do rabies shots hurt.”