As someone who identifies as gluten intolerant, I thought pizza was a thing of the past. Thank God for gluten-free pizza choices! The foodie in me loves to create a magnificent meal, and on football Sunday yes that means it’s gotta’ be gluten-free and keto! Are we shoving a mass of meats and melted cheeses at our faces to take our minds off the worst Halftime Show I’ve ever seen? Quite possibly.
Here in the U.S it’s sportball Sunday! What does that mean? It means I went for a snow hike straight up a mountain this a.m. Now my boyfriend is watching the Sports-Ball world championship. I’m talking to the cats and researching which vintage snowsuit I need to buy from Amazon! So why on earth do they not make a skinny leg snowsuit or snow pants? All they need is to add a zipper to fit them over your snow boots. I seriously don’t need a snowsuit that is boot-cut and makes my Butter Chicken Ass look bigger than it is!
Today was a fairytale
And now possibly I just made the biggest spiciest mess of all time in the kitchen! It all started with a simple plan to make carnitas from scratch in the crockpot. Because if it’s Sports-Ball Sunday, you need to have a big vat of meat simmering in the crockpot, right? The carnitas had been simmering in a mixture of fresh limes, oranges, garlic, onions and adobe chipotle chiles all day long. I had a great idea to grind up all that delicious sauce in the nutribullet and finish the shredded carnitas with a spicy adobe chipotle glaze. So I put some of the carnitas stock, the garlic cloves, onions and oranges in the nutribullet and I let it sit on the counter for, I swear an hour. It was quite a long time! And I’ll admit I was feeling a bit bored (And quite possibly hungry) I had 
already researched the snowsuit I wanted, did some cleaning around the house, mocked the “Family-Friendly” sports ball halftime show and played with all the pets. I was ready to move on with my life and finish dinner.
Red
That’s when I made the truly bad decision to finish my spicy sauce. I put the nutribullet on high, even though it was still pretty warm with molten lava spicy sauce. The next thing I knew, the whole contraption exploded in my face. Literally there was spicy sauce on the ceiling, but more terribly all over my face including in my eyeballs. And did I mention, of course, I had put in absolutely brand new contact lenses that a.m. Now extremely spicy and ruined. If you could have seen the hot and spicy sauce dripping down my cheeks. I swear I looked sadder than Taylor Swift at halftime.
I knew you were trouble, when I walked in
Meanwhile, our neighbors were on their way over for Keto Queso Dip and Carnitas. Literally, they were showing up on our porch at any second. Every surface of the kitchen, plus my hair and my face were drip
ping with spicy red sauce. My face was absolutely on fire as I furiously and blindly scrubbed the kitchen disaster.
Cardigan
Also, I was wearing a white fleece coat, now ruined. Do you see why I buy everything at the thrift store now? In all of my years of kitchen adventures, this was the worst and most painful mess I have ever made. When I finally finished cleaning and wandered to the front porch with a glass of ice-cold alcohol attached to my still-burning face and my mascara running down my cheeks, my neighbors thought I was very upset about the Chief’s drubbing. My face hurt so bad, there was no way I was taking the time to fix my makeup or remove chunks of chili from my hair
It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me
These are the thoughts roaming through my head as the “Family-friendly” sports ball world championship halftime show blares in the background. How on earth is gangster rape family-friendly? I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear what President Trump thought, especially as a music fan, of this debacle. I did have the thought, I would rather have spicy sauce in my ears so I don’t have to hear this mumbling crap.
You need to calm down
When you think of Sports-Ball Sunday, I’m sure many Americans think of pizza. I dream of pizza, believe me, but pizza is not part of this keto lifestyle. However this gluten-free pizza is so tasty, you won’t even miss all those empty-calorie bread carbs!
Fennel, Artichoke and Goat Cheese Gluten-Free Pizza
8 slices of good quality mozzarella cheese
1/4 cup of crumbled goat cheese
1/4 cup par-baked bacon crumbles
1 whole sliced fennel
1 can artichoke hearts, separated
1/2 cup of pesto sauce
1/4 cup of the Best Spicy Aioli
Firstly, par-bake your bacon slices. Save the bacon fat. Cook your fennel rings in this bacon fat. Salt and pepper the fennel slices and set aside.
In a cast iron frying pan, layer your mozzarella cheese on the bottom. Drizzle the pesto sauce onto your gluten-free pizza, then add dollops of goat cheese. Layer on the artichoke hearts, the par-baked bacon crumbles, and the fennel slices. Bake on high broil for 6-10 minutes, just until the cheese are melted. When you remove the gluten-free pizza from the oven, allow the pizza to sit for two minutes. Then slice the gluten-free pizza with a pizza slicer.
