How did I spend two days hovering over the toilet, five whole days not being able to eat and I still can’t fit my fat ass in my favorite romper? And after that, I spent five days stacking four cords of wet eucalyptus wood and my favorite shorts from last summertime still don’t fit. Let me tell you one thing, being in your forties is a bitch. I can eat nothing but salad and brazil nuts all day long and still my fat ass is embarrassing. I would just love to take one photo without having to contort my forty-year-old body to not look pregnant. Seriously, I should have abs just from trying to suck in my belly fat for fourteen hours a day!
According to my doctor, this is all completely normal perimenopause lfstyle; Get used to it and whatever. Yeah, it’s a bitch being a forty something woman.
I give up. I should just eat all the brownies that I want. Especially if they are made with beets or dates and chock full of almond flour and not processed, bleached white flour, that makes my arthritis flare up. Also, did you know that cake flour has less gluten than regular flour? Things I learned this week while telling myself I was not going to bake a strawberry cake for Mother’s Day weekend. The More You Know.
Date Brownies: A Gluten-free Delight
When we had our neighbors over for dinner the other night, I think they
were a bit shocked that I made special brownies! But hold on to your crack pipes you damn liberals! These are not the wacky-tobaccy brownies you Kamala voting nut jobs!
No, these brownies are not brought to you by Cheech and Chong, but they do have a special ingredient: Mejol dates!
Dates are basically nature’s candy. Did you know dates are so high in fiber? I mean, I’m not saying these are Ex-Lax brownies, but I’m also not saying you will not be constipated the next morning after indulging in a Date Brownie or three.
What else is RFK Jr. approved about my “Special” Brownies? Well, dates are chock-full of fiber and are also packed with potassium. Dates actually have more potassium than a banana! If you get charley horses or restless leg syndrome, then date deliciousies are for you!
Not only that, but dates are considered a brain food.
I know, I know, when most people think of brownies, you may think of dark chocolate gooeyness with so much sugar. Well, hold on to your pancreas! You can make a healthier brownie! Brownies can be created with beets, sweet potatoes, coconut oil and even almond flour! Who knew there were healthier dessert options out there? I mean, besides all those foodies on TikTok.
Date Brownies, A Gluten-Free Delight
3/4 cup pitted dates
1/4 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup hot water
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup almond flour
1/4 cup coconut flour
3 teaspoons coconut flour
3/4 cups macadamia, almond or cashew butter
1 cup dark chocolate Hershey powder
Bake at 350 for 25 minutes.
In the hot water, soak the dates for 10 minutes and then drain the water off. In a NutriBullet blend up your date pieces until they are a fine paste. Mix in the vanilla and the coconut oil.
Transfer your vanilla paste to a mixing bowl and add in all the dry ingredients, the coconut flour, almond flour and the Hershey’s powder. Bake these delicious gluten-free brownies at 350 for 45 minutes
