Squirrel Flu?

     If you don’t like to read about bodily functions, then for God’s sake, don’t read this post!
     In fact if your not comfortable hearing me talk about all my bodily problems maybe you shouldn’t be reading this blog at all?
     Today’s problem; I’ve been sick for five days. I told my coworkers I have the Squirrel Flu. They always ask,
     “Are you joking?”
     “Yes! Of course I’m joking! All the squirrels are dead! They had West Nile Virus! How the fuck would I catch Squirrel Flu when there are no squirrels left?”
     It started on Friday, I thought I had food poisoning from the crab salad I ate, but I’m now on day five of Butt Soup and still not feeling better! The good news is on Friday I got paid to sit on the toilet for eight hours! I think I literally accomplished about an hours worth of good solid work when I wasn’t running back and forth to our bathroom every fifteen minutes. I worked with a new store manager that night and he offered to go next door and buy me some Depends. I must have made a great first impression on him; no ones ever offered to buy me diapers before! The good news  is I was distracted by my road rage on my hour and a half drive home and was to busy honking and flipping off flatlanders to shit myself!
      I wrote this entire blog in my head just now as I sat on the toilet for 35 minutes; no joke, laughing, cramping and crying.  My cats keep coming in to check on me, to see if I’m alive and if I’m going to get off the toilet and feed them soon. I haven’t been able to workout in five days, but I think five days of toilet squats have given me the abs I’ve always wanted!

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