Oh Shit! My first Colonic

Three years ago every step I took was agony even on a gorgeous autumn day such as this as I trekked my favorite leave covered trails in our national forest just steps out our back door. My sciatica was back and it was killing me. Three years ago, not quite so healthy and holistic Amber had no idea that if you have sciatica pain, well a colonic can fix that! There may have actually been an easy and naturopathic answer for this pretty healthy eater and adventurer before I gave in to going under the knife to relieve my tremendous pain. Three years ago in the mountains of southern California, let me tell you, the adventures were just beginning and my healthy lifestyle has gone from coconut oil and sweet potatoes to essential oils, green juice cleanses and yup, even getting the ultimate intestinal cleanse. Why? Because I love my health and I want to be that healthy wrinkly old lady climbing mountains when I’m eighty.

Mt Whitney Trail colonic
I used to climb mountains. 2014 and training for the Mt Whitney Trail, in short-shorts.

It was the autumn of 2015; The orange and yellow oak trees of our national forest were in full fall color bursting bloom and the mountains were begging to be climbed but my back hurt so badly every day that I truly wondered if I would ever trail run or even hike again. I had back problems and they were agonizing, debilitating and killing me. They got so bad that I could barely get out of bed on those chilly autumn mornings. For an outdoor adventurer like myself being chained to my front porch in backbreaking pain was truly controlling and crushing my wanderlust, my athletic lifestyle and my health.

colonic race horse

This photo was taken in June 2015. I remember this day because I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I shuffled around so I could pet this horse and talk to him about how much pain I was in. This ex-racehorse had multiple screws in his legs to keep him enjoying his retirement on all four feet and I figured he would understand my pain. Or maybe I was just high on prescription painkillers and talking to a racehorse. While this conversation with ex-racehorse Comma To The Top was going on, I was truly a mess. I may have been a healthy eater but my back was jacked up. I had a herniated disk pressing on my sciatic nerve. Eventually, I had back surgery but the crap doctor I saw was by no means a naturopathic doctor and as awesome as he was, there is no way on earth he would have recommended a colonic for my back problems.

You’re just full of poo!

Sweetheart that he was, Dr. Blah Blah Blah never would have said that something as natural as cleaning out my intestinal system could be the answer.  He just wanted to pump me full of prescription drugs and Cortizone shots, take it from me; Doctors could give a fuck about your healthcare, your health in general or your personal self, but when it comes to prescribing prescription drugs Donald Trump is right on this one, ladies and gentlemen, we have an issue in this country and our doctors take most of the blame. Looking back now at 2015, at nailed to the front porch in pain Amber, I think, hell, what if my prescription based healthcare provider had suggested I get a more natural colonic rather then offer to get me addicted to a muscle relaxer like Soma? Maybe I didn’t have a herniated disk pressing on my sciatic nerve! Maybe it was the remains of that Tommy’s chili cheeseburger I ate in 2010!

Post surgery by three years Amber enjoyed this cool and crisp autumn morning in 2018, by slightly limping through the forest before we left for our week-long Palm Springs vacation. I had to enjoy all the pretty fall colors I could before a week of cocktails poolside with a stack of books. Oh and getting my colon cleaned. Because I have had it up to here with my food allergies, my stomach issues and most of all, not being able to sleep most nights because my stomach was so uncomfortable. Having a good high school friend get diagnosed with colon cancer at less than forty years old, just sealed the deal. If you have big-time stomachs issues, go to the doctor! Maybe you are not allergic to cheese! Maybe this is not normal. Or maybe you just need to cleanse your system from all that Tommy’s chili and the processed foods that even the healthiest eaters ingest sometimes.colonic

Before our vacation fun could progress poolside, I started my week in Palm Springs with my first colonic. And I don’t regret it for a minute, even as multiple friends panicked for me and told me that getting a colonic was a waste of money and would hurt my health in the long run. I’m an almost forty-year-old woman and believe me when I make big decisions in my life, like investing in a new car or cleaning out my colon, I do a lot of research ahead of time and spend weeks, months and even sometimes years deciding if this is a good decision for my health (Or my wallet)

That’s how I found myself at the Sante Spring’s day spa on a Friday morning in October. My colon hydrotherapist pretty much said “Oh Shit” as soon as she saw how bloated and distended my stomach was. It’s funny when you go through life boated all the time, you just get used to it, until a poo expert takes one look at you and says “This is not normal”

I felt like I was well prepared for my first colonic experience. I may be an American but I have used a bidet before and I know what that sensation is like. I truly felt having a colonic would be simular. When I told my hydrotherapist this she kind of laughed at me. Then she put a tube in my butt and flooded my entire system with water and it was a bit more intense then I was expecting but ultimately, forty five minutes of being uncomfortable was worth how refreshed and rejuvenated I felt afterward. And my stomach hasn’t hurt for two weeks!

So what to do I pre-cleanse

A colonic is probably not as scary as you think. Some of my best advice on your first colonic experience is don’t go to a cheap place. I went to the Sante Springs day spa in Palm Springs and this location was so Zen and had such a relaxing vibe it really helped me feel relaxed and not stressed out about the whole procedure. Groupon is a great place to start with trying to find a colonic in your area. I start with trying to find a place on Groupon then research every review they have on Yelp. But if you can’t find a Groupon just do massive research on Yelp or talk to a local naturopathic doctor in your area. Before you schedule your first procedure,

  • Try to find a hydro technician who is also a nutritionist and has a lot of expertise. (My hydro technician had twenty years experience washing out butts)
  • Ask every question you may have the night before through email or call the day spa. A good day spa should have no issue even answering even the weird questions.
  • Take a tablespoon of olive oil the night before to loosen things up.
  • Make sure the hydro technician uses brand new tubes.
  • Do not drink alcohol after having a colonic; Even if you are in Palm Springs, relaxing poolside.

Is this going to hurt?

Well, remember that one time you had that really spicy chili? It was spring break 2015, that one time you said you were never going to eat in that sketchy border town while on vaca in Baja California? The Carne Asada tacos were phenomenal, the baby Baja rock lobsters were cheap and delicious and you spent most of your night with cramps on the toilet. Your first colonic is something like that but without being in a foreign country and gassing out the federales. Forty-five minutes of terrible stomach cramping is about the worst of the colonic experience and soon after that you will be getting dressed, having some spa tea and walking out of the day spa feeling like a million bucks. I felt rejuvenated after my first colonic. I had so much energy and even now two weeks later my stomach issues are better then they have been in years. What you really need to remember is, as long as you are prepared for what your colonic will be like, it’s not as bad as people make it out to be.

So why should you buckle down and make that appointment for your first colonic? Think about it; That chili cheeseburger with grilled onions you inhaled Labor Day weekend 2012 could still be lingering somewhere deep inside you! And you wonder why your sciatica aches? Do you eat a lot of corn? As delightful as corn is in a taco or a salad, every time I eat corn I am still expelling it three days later; And that is the corn that leaves your body. What about the GMO corn kernel that stick around a year or two? Bro, you need the ultimate corn cleanse. A colonic is like a clean start for your system. A colonic will even clean up your liver! As awkward as it sounds to talk about to friends and family, a colonic could drastically improve your health and really help if you have stomach problems, not to mention give you much needed energy after you get all those years of toxins flushed out of your system.

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Comments

  1. Sandy

    As a person who’s had the colon cleaned out multiple times for procedures…I can say that does NOT help your sciatica. But it is a pain in touche. Sciatica on the other hand is well controlled by stretches, being active and a good Chiropractor. Like you, I’m not into taking pills…that doesn’t help, just masks the pain. But, I am in love with my Chiropractor. I almost had to be carried into his office…and because of him…am a new person. The disc problem, not that’s another whole animal on it’s on….unless proper alignment would keep that from rubbing.

    1. Post
      Author
      Amber Woodyard

      Huh, that is interesting. The hydrotherapist I saw was adamant about how much it could help sciatica! Luckily, the surgery seems like it has fixed mine for the time being.

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