My Phone Defecated

I’m out for my morning run tearing up the streets of my neighborhood at six a.m. Most of my neighbors are still sleeping off the meth they made/ did the night before. My otherwise rowdy, redneck neighborhood is quite at this hour, just the morning birds chirping away in the yellow oak leaves above my head. Every once in a while I get a lovely waft of fire place burning wood smoke; it’s so woodsy and makes me feel like I live in a small town in Vermont maybe on an autumn morning such as this. The Live Oak trees are all colors of yellows and orange sprinkled among the Jeffrey Pines that over look the twists and turns of the mountain streets in my neighborhood.
Than I get a waft of marijuana coming from some house in my neighborhood. Gross. It’s six A.M. and apparently my crack head neighbors are getting high before sending their kids off to school. Than I smell cat pee and get chased by a pit bull as I run down empty leave strewn streets and I remember I’m back in Southern California and not in Vermont.
I wave at my neighbor as she drives by me in an old Chevy truck with no muffler. She’s in her forties and has some of her teeth still. At least she waves back and smiles and does not just give me a stony glare as some of my neighbors do when I get friendly and small town and wave. Some of theme are busy concentrating on holding the cigarette between their lips to even offer a smile to the petite girl who runs these forested streets and trails in this mountain community every morning.
I’m trying to be in a good mood this morning but I’m a little annoyed to tell you the truth. My brand new cell phone I just received in the mail last night came defecated (According to voice-activated word recognition that word was supposed to be defective, but I’ll get to that, my phone defecating in a moment)
I have had so many problems with my Verizon cellular service in the last month; it is beyond ridiculous! I’ve had to return about eight broken smartphones in the last year. My last new phone arrived last night and it was broken on arrival. Sometimes its the phone itself is broken, and sometimes it’s the services that come with it. Either way, I could probably buy some wholesale iphone screens and fix the phones myself as seem to know more about phones than Verizon does! With this being said, not everyone will be confident enough to replace the phone screen themselves. But with there being options such as taking the device to an iPhone repair store, this will ensure the job is done professionally and will be one less thing to worry about. And the majority of the time you don’t have to worry about it costing a bomb, as many repair stores fix phones for cheap prices, or at least a cheaper price than I’m paying by buying all these new phones!

I have called Verizon no less than fifteen times with my problems in the last month. I’ve had so many Verizon representatives not return my calls or put me on hold for thirty minutes and seemingly forget about me. I kind of hate Verizon, just a little. My problem is, even with the horrible service, in my rural area of Southern California, Verizon has the best service of every body. (Even if I have four service bars on my phone at the moment, but yet no Internet available)
So last night I had to call Verizon three times, than this morning I had to call again because my Internet on the broken phone was not working and my new phone will not arrive for two days. Well, at least it means I’ve got chance to look at some cool custom phone cases ready! Anyway, I asked the representative if I could be credited for two days worth of data service as the data does not work at all and she told me, every day my data does not work give them a call and they will credit my account. I told her, well most days my data does not work, should I call every day?
This whole call happened while I was running the hills in my neighborhood and I was breathing hard the whole time. I was trying to multi task by calling Verizon on my morning run. This makes me number one, run faster, because I’m pissed off, and number two takes my mind off the big hills and I blow through them so easily. I ran over four miles this morning so easily. It was great; yea Verizon for making me angry. Thanks for the motivation ass hats.
After I angrily argued with Verizon on the phone I decided to email myself a list of all my grievances with Verizon over the last month so that ultimately I can send Verizon one long letter documenting all the problems I have had.
I decided to use the speaker phone voice recognition on my phone for the first time. Now I have this good friend at work who uses voice recognition to text me all the time. She has a very thick Mexican accent and I get the funniest texts from her constantly. They make no sense at all and they crack me up.
When I read back what voice recognition thought I said I was busting up laughing.
This is a real quote from my voice recognition,

I returned my phone on the 12th and she told me she had to ship via a physical address not your breasts

That was suppose to say address and not your breasts by the way.
I’d like to say I straightened everything out with Verizon over the phone and did not have to drive a hour out of my way to visit their store, but that would be a lie. So yes, I drove to the Verizon store after my run. I was sold a new SD card, and when I got back to my car I realized that my shirt had been on inside out the whole time.
So than I realize they sold me the wrong SD card and after fixing my shirt so I don’t look like a hobo, I try to return it, only to be told it will be a thirty minute wait to return my item.
I angrily stormed out of the store, and was thinking okay, I will just make an appointment so I don’t have to wait thirty minutes. I call Verizon to make an appointment and am hung up on twice, put on hold for twenty minutes, than told I don’t have to make an appointment for this, to which I pretty much said
“Yes, bitches I do! I’m not waiting thirty minutes to do a simple return that will take one minute to process!”
So today I went in to return the SD card at 1:30 for my 1:30 appointment.
Than I waited fifteen minutes.
Than I posted this on FaceBook while giggling (and probably farting)

Dear Verizon,
Yes that horrible smell in your store yesterday was me and no I will not apologize for making your store smell like old meat! You deserve that, assholes.
Six year and by the far the smelliest Verizon customer,

NaBloPoMo November 2012


  1. uluwale

    haha! i’ve heard of similar stories with verizon’s customer service, as well. i luckily haven’t had to deal with them, but they give my sister, who does, a lot of headaches. unfortunately, for her area, they are the company with the best signal, so she has to. sucks.

  2. Hilde

    Amber…very funny blog. The title caught my attention because I just completed a series of blogs about and old person (me) with a new cell phone. Looking forward to reaching your skill level both with my cell phone and my blog.

  3. Mzuri

    Loving your blog. Your tagline could be: “I get pissed off so you don’t have to.” … I can maintain my serenity while appreciating another person’s ire. Best of both worlds.

Comments are closed.