Once upon a time, I was very fat. I was also very disabled and spent basically 8 months of 2015 sitting on my front porch hugging an emotional support border collie with crazy eyes and crying because I was in so much pain I could barely walk to the toilet. Also, my employer of 15 years had fired me for being disabled so it was also extremely disheartening to not have a job and also barely be able to wipe my own ass. It wasn’t my finest hour and I may have drowned my sorrows in butter chicken. A lot.
My Butter Chicken Butt days
Finally, I was able to get back surgery and my back pain dissipated over time but at that point, I was horribly overweight and I still couldn’t work out whatsoever. All I wanted to do was go for a run and I could barely even hobble around our house. But I could wipe my own ass now! Life was getting better!
I decided to give in and take Alli, a diet drug that was popular at the time in 2017.
Now let me tell you a little bit about Alli. I’m convinced it’s nothing but really a sugar pill. The thing with Alli is if you eat anything with fat in it you get explosive orange diarrhea. So it basically is a diet pill/life coach that will punish you if you eat butter chicken. Don’t piss off Alli.
So I had bought this bottle of Alli but didn’t want to let my boyfriend know that I was such a fat ass that I had given in to diet pills so I put the Alli in a muscle relaxer bottle. And then I tried really hard not to eat butter chicken because I did not want an orange disaster on my hands.
Lord give me the strength to not inhale all the Indian food…
Flash forward 8 months later I’m recovered from my back surgery running around on our mountain trails like a hyper chipmunk on our and I decide that I want to sell my house and move in with my boyfriend. I decided this 2 weeks before Memorial Day weekend and where we live in our Alpine resort town if you want to sell a house you need to put it on the market Memorial Day weekend to get the best possible outcome. So that gave my brother, an amazing local contractor, and I two weeks to replace the carpet that my Airbnb renter from hell, had destroyed with laminate hardwood, put tile in both the bathrooms and paint the entire house. We literally worked 60 hours a week for 2 weeks on my house plus I had to have a yard sale and move all my belongings to Big Bear all within 2 weeks.
The night I moved all my belongings to Big Bear I was unbelievably exhausted after painting in the hot sun for 10 hours, then loading all my belongings into my Subaru and then driving up to Big Bear. By the time I got to Big Bear it was almost 9:00 p.m. and dark. I was so beyond exhausted that I guess I must have left my car unlocked which I never do, ever.
It was the perfect storm for our neighborhood crackhead to break into my car, steal a shit ton of my belongings including my Taser and my bottle of Alli disguised as muscle relaxers.
The best part of this story is that the next morning my boyfriend and I were on our way to the Renaissance Faire, my boobs about to poke my eyes out, laced up in a crazy bodice when I realize I had been robbed. Wearing my most busty Renaissance Faire outfit I called the local sheriff out to lift prints off my car. What a fucking joke in California. As I soon found out; Even when they arrest crackheads like this for stealing your belongings, have prints and proof of crackheads trading your property for meth, criminals don’t spend a day in jail.
So this particular crackhead ends up eventually getting arrested because he tried to trade my taser for meth, what a dumb-dumb. Obviously being that this is Southern California he never spent one night in jail even though he was convicted of a felony he stole so much stuff for me. Including the $800 I had in my wallet that I was going to pay my brother for the work he had done on my house.
Now, this is a great story about crackheads, orange diarrhea and revenge. The only great outcome from the story is I had many hysterical laughs thinking about this crackhead taking all of my Alli thinking it was muscle relaxers and having the worst orange diarrhea ever. Payback is one hell of a bitch.
I’ve been thinking about this story recently because number one my back has been killing me on vacation when I sleep. I brought a very old and expired bottle of muscle relaxers on vacation with us. I didn’t actually open the bottle until the other night when I decided to give in and take a muscle relaxer. Four different kinds of pills we’re in the bottle. Some of them I think are actually Alli, plus some random earplugs. I obviously threw the entire bottle away because I really don’t know what the hell is actually in it and I really don’t want to have explosive orange diarrhea on vacation.
Just recently, our mountain communities have had a massive problem with gang members from the valley coming up to our alpine towns and stealing catalytic converters from vehicles. Before I threw out the bottle of Alli disguised as muscle relaxers I had a hilarious laugh as I thought maybe I should leave this bottle of “muscle relaxers” next to my catalytic converter every time I park my car so that if the crackheads try to ripe off my catalytic converter at least they’ll have terrible orange diarrhea.
Of course, our local news will not cover the fact that gang members are stealing catalytic converters because gang members have feelings too. Just recently the Riverside PD tried to arrest some gang members and there was literally a protest. Because #gangmembersliivesmatter too according to the liberal left anyways…
Which I think is honestly a bunch of snowflake bullshit. As far as I’m concerned gang members can burn in hell. Obviously, I’m Republican and my opinions are not the majority these days. So obviously in this ridiculous liberal snowflake state criminals are just going to keep getting away with whatever they please. Don’t mind me if I just leave this bottle of Alli in a Vicodin bottle in the front seat of my car, just in case someone breaks in…