An Ode to an Ex Boy Friend

Next time I get the idea to date a vegetarian would someone please smack me in the neck?
You know what frustrates me?
Having to wash my hair before a date because it smells like bacon.
I need to find a man who will love me for my bacon hair dammit!
Further more I need a man who encourages me to wrap things like olives, figs and dates in bacon.
No more of these damn hippies.
Yeah, I know I’ve said that before.
My next man needs a pick up truck, a bible and a beer for me in his hand.
Not Soy Chorizo.

This ends now, I realized a few weeks ago.
I was sitting on my couch listening to the piter patter of the shower.
My boyfriend of two weeks was washing off the creek and the poison oak that he is not allergic to and I am so allergic to, off of his body. Of course this was after he touched my face with his ridiculous poison oak hands.
We had just devoured a huge pizza with cashews after a seven mile hike.
I was sipping on a white sangria with peaches ands frozen grapes and wondering if its to white trash to drink it with a straw,
than I  heard water stop.
I think, yea he’s done and smells good and now we can cuddle and watch Kevin Nealon’s stand up on Show Time.
Then I hear him ask from the shower
“Babe do you have a razor?”
“Sure” I answer.
And then he said “I need to shave my legs”
Now I understand if he was you know, a athlete, a mountain biker or a swimmer and didn’t want the wind resistance, but what is with me and picking guys who shave their whole bodies? I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to be with a guy who’s not all hairy and gorilla like, but it’s annoying when you are tyring to cuddle and his chest hair stubble is poking you in the face.
Let’s just say the whole razor incident was the last straw.
He did give me a awesome birthday present; This amazing dead bird.
No really, it’s freaking awesome and I love it.

It’s a dead pheasant.
It is glorious and I will turn it into art and put it on my wall; WHERE MY CATS WILL NOT PLAY WITH IT! It is not a pretty cat toy.
He also gave me this piece of… ummm… art work? Let’s call it.

Does this wood make my fire place look big?
Sometimes nature has a sense of humor. I think this piece of wood will be a great conversation piece for years to come.


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